The end justifies the means…

“People love chopping wood. In this activity one immediately sees results.”

~ Albert Einstein

For the last nine months Rebecca, Noah and I have been working toward getting ready for Judah to join our family.  Rebecca has done the hardest work, of course, but Noah and I have been finding and cleaning old baby equipment, furniture and clothes; taking Rebecca to doctor appointments and having long talks about what life is going to be like with a new baby in the house.  We set up a room for him and spent hours contemplating names.  We prayed for his health and development every single night and wanted nothing more than for him to come to us happy and healthy. If you asked me how I was doing any time over the last three weeks I would have told you, “Good.  We are ready for this baby to be born.”  In short, we did the work and I would like to see the results now.

We seem to live in a culture where results are all that matter.  All I cared about in college were my grades.  I’d rather work out really hard for a short period of time so that I can get in shape quicker, than simply enjoy exercising. (It is possible, don’t judge me.) I have even reached the point where waiting the 42 seconds for my Keurig to brew me a cup of coffee seems like it requires patience.  I just want to get to the “good part”.  I want to push through the means to reach the end because for some reason I have accepted this belief that the end is the only part that’s good.

When I first started to work on myself spiritually I stood at the very beginning of a never ending road.  I was dishonest, prideful, impatient, you name it.  It seemed like each step I took was an agonizing sacrifice to reach a point that was simply too far out of reach for me to grasp.  I remember complaining to my first mentor about this and he provided me with this analogy that has helped me ever since.

“If you travel that same path every day to work.  You hit the same pothole; sit at the same unbelievably long red light; and have to make the same impossible left turn it is likely that you will really “suffer” through them each day.  However, if you take that same path on your way to a vacation that pothole doesn’t seem as deep, the light is half the length and that left turn isn’t quite to difficult; because you are excited about where you are going. “

This no longer really applies to me, because I love my job but that is besides the point.  The idea is that the end seems to dramatically effect the means.  This is how it should be.  I will go so far as to say the end justifies the means.

Before you start thinking of a thousand and one examples of where that just isn’t true, let me explain in the easiest way I know how, with my current situation.  My wife, children and I are missionaries.  We pay our bills and put food on the table by the support of other people who believe in what we have given our lives to.  That means that I regularly have to not only ask for money (which I hate) but I have to find a way to communicate to people what it is that we do and why it is so important.  On a lot of days this kind of feels like I’m tooting my own horn and exploiting my friends on the street.

 “Beware of practicing your righteousness before others to be seen by them; otherwise you have no reward from your Father in heaven.” Matt 6:1

I genuinely want nothing more than to be a part of what God is doing in this world.  I don’t need to be a “great”. There was one, his name was Jesus.  In my line of work, however, this requires that people not only believe in God’s heart for what we are doing, but that He will do it through my family.  In the world of social media this means pictures and blog posts and newsletters and emails.  All of which detail two things, the amazing stuff God is doing through our willingness to follow Him and our families need for more support.  I thought I was going to be a preacher.  I love to see things, put them in context of this awesome God and share them with other people to hopefully motivate them to act on behalf of others.  So it seems strange to me that I would be so uncomfortable doing that in an electronic format.

After much prayer and reflection, I have realized why it makes me so uncomfortable.  I am a human being which means that by my very nature (see Real Value) I want to perform.  I want to be valuable because of what I have done, my results.  So no matter how many times God reveals to me that I am valuable because He values me, and regardless of how much humility (right sized relationship with God) He allots me there will always be a part of me that wants to be important, whether that is because of my small part in His mission or some other thing.  In those moments when my importance becomes the “end”, the means are left on their own to either flourish or fail because the only thing justifying them is my importance. (Which means they aren’t justified at all.)  And what’s even worse, the weight of maintaining them is on my shoulders.  You see, God is the only end, if He’s not, than the means just became the end.

So as I sit here with my Rebecca, Noah and Judah in the next room watching Paw Patrol and drinking hot chocolate I am reminded of the One who allotted me such great wealth.  And I cannot help but want to spend everything I have to do the only things He has ever asked of me, “Love Him with all my heart and my neighbor as myself.”  Which means that God is the only end in my life.  So every picture, blog post and request for  support are simply the means that move me one step closer to Him,  and I’m okay with that.

What’s your end?

God Bless,

Jeff

Just do it…

When I was a kid there were only two reason for missing school: either you were throwing up, or you had a triple-digit fever.  If you started an activity (sport, club, etc…) you didn’t show up when you felt like it, you showed up every time.  When I used to work as a personal trainer I always tried to impress on people that the most important difference between people who are in shape and people who aren’t is the decision to work out anyway, regardless of how you feel.  When I went back to college and then grad school I learned that if you just show up to class and do the work it is really not that difficult to succeed.  The bottom line is that I have learned over the course of my life that the most powerful thing I can do in most situations is show up.

I spent the first three days of this past week sick with the flu.  To this day, missing work is hard for me.  (This is why married men live longer.) Either way, when I got back out on the  street Friday I felt like I needed to really make something happen, as if it is ever because of me.  It was a pretty decent day in Harlem.  We fed, clothed, connected and loved on a few hundred people.  I also had the privilege of connecting a man with one of my coworkers who, about a year before, had been the hand that pulled him off the ledge and gave him a new start.  Awesome!! That’s the kind of stuff that gets me through the day when I’m tired and cold and wondering when my baby is going to be born. (Still wondering that as I write.) Either way, that’s the payoff for us; but it is a strong personal and organizational value that we show up, no matter what.  If it is 12 degrees or 100 degrees; if it is  raining or snowing; if the bus starts or it doesn’t; we show up.  That was yesterday for me. Just show up.

I woke up feeling worn out.  Got to work to find a couple technical issues with the buses that needed to be taken care of.  I drove through the fog while having windshield wiper problems to arrive in the Bronx to a really empty outreach.  It was rainy and windy and  there were probably half the amount of people there that we normally see.  There were points in the outreach when, due to the wind, I literally had to just stand on the edge of one of the tent legs to keep it from flying up.  To sum it all up in a really honest moment, I didn’t see the point.  I felt like I was just going through the motions because we show up.

About 20 minutes before it was time to clean up a guy came up to me and asked for some bags to put on his feet.  His shoes were paper thin and his feet were soaked.  Sidenote: I have learned that if someone ever asks me for something, (money, bags, socks, food, etc…), to always respond with, “What’s your name?”  This has led to some really awesome encounters in my life.  Back to the story, I asked him his name, which is Julio, and of course I got him the bags.  I asked what his situation was and if there was anything else I could help him with.  He told me he didn’t have anywhere to sleep so we went into “the office” (which is what we call the front section of the bus) to sit down and see what we could do for him.  As we continued to talk something broke loose in Julio.  He began to share, very honestly, with me about why he was currently without a roof.  He had just been released from jail for an armed robbery that he had committed.  For whatever reason, his charges had been dismissed and he was released.  He just happened to walk by the bus and figured he’d stop and see what was going on.  We spent the next 20 minutes sharing with each other some of the things that we have done in our lives that we are not all that proud of.  I have the gift of God’s forgiveness and change, which makes sharing this stuff less painful for me, but as Julio shared with me his life story and his complete astonishment that he was not spending the next 15 years to life in prison I watched him get hit with the same realization that rocks my world every time I have it, “I didn’t get what I deserved.” The pain and remorse in his eyes actually choked me up and as we continued to talk the conversation turned more to the why of it all.  And then it happened, he realized that it was God that did that for him.  That despite all his best efforts God still loved him and wanted the best for him. He had the moment that happens when he decided that he didn’t deserve the favor God showed him and that he wanted to live his life in gratitude for that favor, that he wanted to give his life to God. I was able to give him a bible and a few pairs of socks, connect him with some shelter, show him what locations I would be at and give him my card.  He then helped us clean up and prayed with us (I always like to pray for a neighborhood before I leave it) and went on his way.  It honestly wasn’t even until I was on my way home that I realized what happened.  I spent the first 8 hours of my  day “just showing up” and somehow found myself in a bus on Brooke Avenue in the South Bronx weeping and praying with a four-time felon who was guilty of double-murder at the age of thirteen and had woken up that morning in jail for an armed robbery he had committed at the moment he decided to give his life to Christ. Because I just showed up.

If you would like to be a part of what we do please contact me at jeff@newyorkcityrelief.org or click here to join our monthly financial support team and designate your pledge “Relief Bus Cooks”.

What would you do?

Check it out:

What would you do?

I would love to hear your feedback as I have never done this kind of thing before, so  be nice, but don’t be shy.

What’s MY part? (by Rebecca)

Recently, God has really been impressing on my heart this crazy but simple reality.

It started a few weeks ago when someone who has a real genuine need for help was sharing with me her experience of going to a Christian organization she had been involved with for many years to ask for help for her family (against everything she’s been programmed to do). The response she got was, “sorry, we can’t help you, but I’m sure God will come through for you.” As I listened to this story, I found myself getting really angry. I don’t know about you, whether you’ve ever been in a situation where you feel stuck. You can have all the faith in God and His promises, and all the belief that He will come through for you…but that doesn’t put food in your kids’ stomachs, or gas in the car, or pay the rent. Faith is just that-a belief in the impossibility that somehow, someway God is going to reach down and meet this need you have, even when it doesn’t seem physically possible. Faith is hard…really, really hard.

Recently, there was a story in the news about a boy who was an orphan. No one had ever chosen him, and he wanted a family so badly, that he got up enough nerve, borrowed a suit, and went to a church service. He stood up in front of the entire congregation, and basically begged for someone to adopt him, to want him. He was so starved for family and belonging that he was willing to swallow his pride and plead for someone to love him…wow.

Being in a missionary family, we have the awesome privilege of trusting God to meet our needs. We also have a special connection with others who do the same. I have to say, some of the best people I have met are missionaries. They give up their ideas and dreams of what a nice secure life looks like to instead follow an unmistakable call God has put on their life. And trust me, if God puts that call on your life, there’s no mistaking it, and no getting out of it. You can’t be happy doing anything else. Missionary living means trusting that God is going to provide for you-spiritually, emotionally, and physically. You are literally dependent on God to pay your bills, choosing instead to focus that attention on leading people into relationship with God. I have yet to meet a missionary who is living completely comfortable, without worry that next month their bills will be all paid. I also have not yet met a missionary who isn’t giving out of their little to support other missionaries. It’s really something special to see.

This is in no way a post to debate God’s provision.

For the last couple weeks, with these specific situations weighing heavily on my heart, it’s sometimes hard to understand. There are people out in this world who love God, trust God, serve God, and have faith in God, yet they go without, they’re  in need, and they feel hopeless because they can’t see a way out of the situation that they’re in. They pray, they trust God, and when all else fails, they turn to other believers to try to find some kind of answer or solution. More often than not, the response that is received is, “wow, that’s tough, I’ll pray for you.” Prayer is awesome, but after hearing about some of these really tough situations, God reminded me of something:

“What good is it, dear brothers and sisters, if you say you have faith but don’t show it by your actions? Can that kind of faith save anyone? Suppose you see a brother or sister who has no food or clothing, and you say, “Good-bye and have a good day; stay warm and eat well”—but then you don’t give that person any food or clothing. What good does that do? So you see, faith by itself isn’t enough. Unless it produces good deeds, it is dead and useless. You say you have faith, for you believe that there is one God. Good for you! Even the demons believe this, and they tremble in terror. How foolish! Can’t you see that faith without good deeds is useless?” (James 2:14-17, 19, 20 NLT)

This idea of seeing our fellow Christian in need and doing nothing to practically help them is termed in the message version as “outrageous nonsense,” and it is!  See, a lot of times as a Christian, I see a need, and my first instinct is to pray for that person that has that need- “wow, I better pray for that person that God will provide for them.” After thinking through this, with a whole lot of God conviction, I felt like God was asking a question, “and HOW do you think I’ll provide for them?” Good question, God. How will you provide for them? I’ve heard these crazy stories about miracles, like food trucks breaking down outside orphanages sitting down to dinner without food, or how a missionary in Africa reported that unexplainably there was only enough food for twenty people, but somehow hundreds of people ate their fill-supernatural miracles, and those are so cool. Amazing, mind blowing stuff.

But more often than that, I hear of other types of miracles like a family who is about to be homeless being taken in by someone who knew they needed help, or an orphan who was destined to die without a family, but then someone chose them, and now they’re thriving, or an unexpected check arriving in the mail at just the right time…things some of us call “ordinary miracles”. Nothing is ordinary about the miracle-the receiver has the same result, whatever way the miracle arrived, so what makes it ordinary? The fact that the route the miracle took to get to the person was through another ordinary person, who chose to listen to God, and be a part of someone else’s extraordinary outcome.

A lot of us, myself included, hear God’s question, “How do you think I’ll provide for them?” And our genuine, honest answer is, “You’ll probably use someone else.” We might not SAY that, but we hope that God will put that specific person and their specific need on someone’s heart who can actually help-someone who has more space in their house, or more love to offer, or more money to give. I am as guilty of this as anyone, but a lot of times, we don’t stop to consider,

God might actually want to use me to meet this need.

Me-with my less than ideal amount of space, or not as much as the other person’s capacity of love to give, or my lack of money-God just might want to use ordinary me to accomplish something extraordinary. “Truth is, God could reach down and unlock all the chains Himself, chains of poverty, illness, addiction, loneliness, suffering. He could do all the work because He is the only answer, the only way out. But He loves us so much that He chooses to let us join in the redemption of others. He requires this of us because He knows that in laying our lives down, we are rescued…It should feel like a no-brainer. All the while, He waves us over to the gutter, where He waits. That is the size of His love, that He would invite imperfect, broken us out into the world with Him. He asks us to share in His story for another broken human knowing we all walk away healed.” (Flowerpatchfarmgirl.blogspot.com)

God has kind of shaken up my world with this, and I hope He does yours too. Not all of us are called to meet every need for everyone in the kingdom of God. However, I know for certain that God has chosen YOU to meet a specific need in His kingdom. Maybe it’s helping out a family struggling to make ends meet, maybe it’s foster care or adopting an orphan, maybe it’s supporting a missionary…I don’t know what your thing is, but God does, and chances are if you ask Him, you’ll find He’s already trying to tell you.

“The Chinese have a proverb: “If two men feed a horse, it will lose weight; if two men keep a boat, it will soon leak.” What is everybody’s job is nobody’s job.”(J. Herbert Kane)

I’m tired of seeing needs go unmet in God’s kingdom because I look at everything as something He will put on someone else’s heart to do.

I’m taking ownership of my part from here on out, will you join me?

If you want to help out with supporting the family mentioned above, please contact me for more information.

If supporting a missionary is what God puts on your heart, we’d love to have you join our support team: https://donate.reliefbus.org/ (Designate it “Relief Bus Cooks”)

Real Value

Truth be told, more often than not, I feel like a fraud. I get to do this really amazing thing with my life; and through that, I get to see God do really incredible things for people. For some reason, maybe it is the culture we live in, people sometimes act like this has anything to do with me. I assure you, it does not. And I don’t mean that in that false humility kind of way in which the “right” thing to do is to shift the focus onto God. I really mean it has NOTHING to do with me. The reality of the situation is that I am a lost, confused and broken human being; no more and no less. I have been fortunate enough to accomplish a couple of things in my life. I got a couple degrees, helped a couple of folks and had some really cool experiences; but that was only because I found people who had what I wanted and did what they did to get what they got. It’s not rocket science. (Although I bet rocket science works the same way.)

I am not trying to say that I have not worked hard at attaining my goals in life, because I have. What I am trying to say is that it is not because I am in some way special, it is because I was able to get humble, take direction and persevere. A strange thing happens when you live in a humble state, you tend to achieve things. As a result, people start to think well of you, and if your experience is anything like mine, they are kind enough to tell you. The drawback with that is that it feels good. Sure, in the moment, it is probably uncomfortable and I will find a way to make some joke at my own expense to cut the tension, but at the end of the day it feels good when people recognize the outcome of the things I have worked for. It is a relief from the self-doubt and isolation that I often experience. The only problem is that the outcome never belonged to me.

I have felt alone, rejected and unworthy my entire life. Of course, it was much worse before my relationship with God, but part of my basic human nature is to feel isolated and less than. If you want to be theological, look at Adam and Eve. The moment they realized they were naked they sewed fig leaves to cover their shame and hid from God as soon as they heard Him coming. If you want to be psychological, as we mature we develop what are referred to as “ego boundaries” that essentially define who we are. As a result, however, we exist in a state of psychological isolation. That’s why it feels so good to “fall in love” or be accepted into a new group. And it is why “belonging” is one of five essential areas of need described on Maslow’s hierarchy. (just Google “Maslow’s hierarchy of needs”) The bottom line is that ultimately human beings, by their very nature, long to be loved and accepted because it provides us temporary relief from the pain and discomfort of life. In his book, “The Beatitudes” Simon Tugwell put it this way:

We either fled our own reality or manufactured a false self which is mostly admirable, mildly prepossessing and superficially happy. We hide what we know or feel ourselves to be (which we assume to be unacceptable and unlovable) behind some kind of appearance which we hope will be more pleasing.

*This is evidenced by the amount of time I spent picking out the font for this quote.

The simple truth is that we all wish we were a taller, smaller, smarter, funnier, kinder, better looking, wealthier, happier, fill-in-the-blank versions of ourselves. We wish we were more valuable; whatever that word means to us. What I have discovered, however, is that it has nothing to do with what that word means to us. Because if I am defining what makes me valuable, I will never be satisfied. When I was 16 big muscles made me valuable; when I was 23 the ability to get and keep a good job made me valuable; when I was 30 marrying a woman like Rebecca made me valuable. Why would it be any different just because serving God and helping others is what I think makes me valuable now? You could argue that it is different now because those are things that God values so they must be important. And I am not going to imply that they aren’t, but here’s the big secret:

the value doesn’t lie in the actions, it rests in the one who’s valuing them.

It is not uncommon in spiritual circles to hear people express the notion that we are responsible for the foot work and God is responsible for the outcome. It is no different when it comes to what makes us valuable. Yes, that actions matter. Love God and love your neighbor as yourself, trust me, you won’t be sorry. But don’t ever fall into the trap of thinking that is why you are valuable. It is because of the one who values you. He is the one who takes away the inherent discomfort of life in this world.

I have come to trust that if I spend my days being responsible to be the best version of myself that I honestly am, God will not only provide for my needs, He will value me. That is better than anything I could have ever hoped for.

Personal Note:

A lot of people who read this blog know that I am married to an amazing woman and have the coolest almost 4 year old ever. We recently discovered that our family will be growing by 1 in late January. We are incredibly excited but living as missionaries means that God meets our basic needs, and those needs are about to change. Rebecca and I count ourselves more than blessed to live the life we live and have a lot of amazing people who support us each month to make what we do possible. But here’s the deal. Because all staff raise their own support, New York City Relief is able to pour its organizational resources into the people we are trying to reach. Additionally, any illusion that we (my family and myself) are operating under our own strength is completely illuminated. However, I am forced to step outside my comfort zone and ask for help. We do not have enough support coming in each month to cover our expenses, especially if you add an additional child. So I am straight asking if you would please consider joining our monthly support team. I promise you won’t regret it. If you are already on our support team (THANK YOU) do you know anyone that you could get to join. Please feel free to either click here and designate your support “Relief Bus Cooks” or email me at jeff@newyorkcityrelief.org with any questions, comments or ideas.

What’s your calling, really?

 

I think that seminary gets a bad rep now-a-days. A lot of people argue that it is a place where head knowledge is attained and potential ministers loose touch with the heart beat of ministry and the desires of God. I had the complete opposite experience. Yes, I learned a ton of intellectual stuff in my three years at ATS, (I will not even get into the value in that) but there can be no question that I did not truly understand myself as a minister or my calling into God’s service before I went. I knew that God wanted me to go to seminary and I knew that I was going to spend my life serving Him in some way, I just didn’t know how. I remember one of my first classes the Professor asked everyone to stand up, introduce themselves and share where they currently served in ministry and what God was calling them to. Most everyone in the class was already serving as an elder or a pastor or associate pastor at some church and they knew that they were called to be a youth pastor or a senior pastor or a worship pastor etc…I stood up, announces that I worked security for the kids program at my church and that I know I was meant to be there but had no idea where I was meant to go. To be honest, I was embarrassed that I seemed so far behind everyone else. It wasn’t until my final year that I realized I was actually better off than most.

Since I didn’t grow up in the church there are a lot of cultural things in Christianity that have no impact on me. I simply see them from a fresh perspective here and now. There have been many times I have read a passage in the Bible and decided to preach on it only to find out from Rebecca that everyone has preached on that passage. I guess things become cliché for a reason. Regardless, the one good decision I have consistently made for a long time now is to follow God anyway. It was that good decision that helped me really understand what it is to be called in ministry. This may sound a little outside the box for some, but bare with me.

During my third year in seminary I took a class called Spiritual Formation Capstone. It was the final course in a three year spiritual formation progression that every MDiv student was required to take in order to graduate. (Thank you ATS) The purpose of this particular course was to discern, based on all we had learned over the last three years, what God was calling us to. At the beginning of the semester I was pretty sure that God was calling me to be a Spiritual Formation Pastor. Everything that He had done in me and the strengths and gifts He had given me all seemed to point in that direction. I had been set free from a life of complete captivity, I had been redeemed in spite of my consistent track record of bad decisions, and I had been loved through each and every moment of my life where I was, by all earthly standards, unlovable. As a result, God had instilled in me the ability to love people no matter where they are at, to see the person God originally designed them to be and a strange ability to connect with people so that they knew that when I told them there was freedom available, they believed me. I had spent time looking at all of the different pastor jobs and it seemed like this would be the best fit. So I decided that I was called to be a Spiritual Formation Pastor. I even went so far as to figure out what population I would be most effective in, hence our intended move to Western Australia. (See Here We Go) I had considered this from every angle, so imagine my surprise when I found out I that no one is called to be a Spiritual Formation Pastor. For that matter, no is called to be a pastor period. Now if the reaction of my class has anything to say about it, you might feel a little threatened by that statement, but please stick with me.

If you spend some time looking through the Bible there is really only one thing we are ever called by God to be, children of God. Anything else is an expression of that calling. Some actually call is a “secondary calling”. That is where the confusion can come in. It is easy to over-spiritualize a vocation. God may full well intend for us to be in a certain role with a certain organization at a certain time, I certainly know that is the case with me, but my calling is not now, never has been, and never will be my vocation.

Jesus, as usual, was a great example. Was He called to be a Prophet? a Healer? a Teacher? He makes it pretty clear in Luke 19:10, “The Son of Man came to seek and to save the lost.” It was His purpose, the item He came here to accomplish that was His calling. Everything that Jesus did throughout His entire ministry, every role He filled, was geared toward that one purpose. That was His calling. For me, the expression of my calling as a child of God, or my “secondary calling” is to love relentlessly, proclaim freedom, and connect others to God, period. It is my purpose and always will be. Everything God directs me to do, both vocationally and otherwise, is for the fulfillment of that purpose, that calling. I was so blessed to realize this because if I hadn’t, I would probably be in Western Australia right now trying to figure out why something just didn’t seem right. Instead, I spent 20 minutes on Cortland Ave in the South Bronx on a Thursday morning in July and knew exactly where God had me. The reason I struggled so long trying to figure out what God wanted me to do was because I was looking in all the wrong places. The moment I identified what my real calling was discerning what God was directing me to do was simple and clear.

I serve with an organization whose primary purpose is to love relentlessly, proclaim freedom to captives and connect others to God. If my focus was on the logistics of it all, I mighthave missed His plan for my life. Don’t be confused by logistics and practicalities. This is why we always say that we are simply the physical extension of the folks who are on our monthly financial support team. Right now, as I sit here writing this, there are 31 people who have the same calling I do, the only difference is in how we accomplish it. If you think this might be your calling too, please feel free to email me at jeff@newyorkcityrelief.org or just click here and designate your support “Relief Bus Cooks”. I promise you won’t regret it.

A Family Affair

 

Everyone who has ever served in any form of ministry knows that it is impossible for it not to involve your entire family. I used to worry about this fact. I realized that any sacrifice I make to serve God will also be made by Rebecca and Noah. At first this was a hard pill to swallow. But the more time I spend with New York City Relief, the more I am thankful for the inclusive nature of ministry. About a month ago I had the chance to bring Rebecca and Noah to the South Bronx with me. The second we got off the bus Noah was delighted! It didn’t take long before he was running back and forth with the kids from the neighborhood smiling ear to ear. I realized, while watching him, that kids don’t think about whether or not other kids have money, a home or a job. They just engage with whoever is right in front of them. Noah even spent time engaging with some of the volunteers. One young lady in particular that was serving with us from YWAM Norway had a new best friend. I cannot even tell you how much fun it was to see my little boy become a part of one of the neighborhoods God has allowed me to care for!

As if seeing my son so at home wasn’t enough, Rebecca absolutely came to life. In a lot of situations in our life nowadays, people tend to talk about what I have been through and what I do to love others but my wife is a true gift from God. Not only to Noah and I, but to anyone fortunate enough to come into contact with her. Watching her completely at home in a situation that I have seen many pastors need some time to get comfortable with was a joy.
I may blog about my experience a lot because that is what I know best, but please do not ever be confused, their are THREE missionaries in this family. As a family, we have made it our life’s focus to Love God with everything we have and to love our neighbor as ourselves. And for us, our neighborhood includes Chelsea, Harlem, the Bronx and Newark (and any one else we happen to cross paths with.) I cannot imagine doing this thing any other way.
Our God is amazing and continues to make a way for us to do this. We are eternally grateful for all of you who support us, but truth be told, we have been operating at 60% of our budget for the last three months and it is just not sustainable. It is my greatest desire to spend as long as God would have us serving the homeless and the urban poor in the NYC area so I am making a plea here. If you already support us, THANK YOU and do you know anyone else with a heart for this kind of ministry that you could connect us with? and if you are not currently a part of our team, would you be willing to have a conversation with me about that? I can say with absolute confidence and certainty that everyone I know who has sacrificed to support the work being done by New York City Relief has been blessed beyond measure. So please consider supporting us (or supporting us further) in this way. If you would like to chat please feel free to email me at jeff@newyorkcityrelief.org or call me at (973)668-0534. If you don’t need to chat, you just know that this is something you want to be a part of just click here and designate your monthly support to “The Relief Bus Cooks”. I am certain you won’t regret it.

My Heart Is Overwhelmed…

My husband asked me a few months ago if I would consider writing a guest post on his blog. I agreed half heartedly, thinking I would love to, but not exactly sure what I would say that people actually would want to hear. See, my husband has this awesome redemptive, saved by grace story…he was literally saved by God snatching him out of the
fire, just in time. He has seen it all, done it all, and miraculously, and only by the grace of God, survived it all. All that, and my husband is the best person I know…not just because He loves God with every single part of who he is, but because he genuinely loves people
the way God loves them. He can look at a person homeless on the street because of a serious drug addiction, who has lost everything and everyone because of their actions, and he doesn’t see a person too broken to be healed. He sees them as God does, he sees their heart. He can look them in the eyes, and honestly tell them, “I’ve been there too. God rescued me, and He wants to rescue you.”

What I admire about my husband is that we have kind of opposite back stories. While he got involved in drugs and alcohol in his teens, I spent my time in youth group, and from a very young age, I loved God. My parents spent their lives in full time ministry, which meant we did too. They used to tell me the story of when I was a toddler, I was burned pretty bad and had to be rushed to the hospital. While the doctors and nurses were working on me, I was singing “Jesus loves me” and talking about Jesus. I don’t remember a time when I didn’t love Jesus or strive to follow Him and serve Him.

What many people don’t know, is that Jeff and I started dating before he found God-okay, before God found him. Jeff knew God as his higher power, but not as Jesus his Savior. I, having grown up in a Christian home and a small church, had been given the speech 17 too many times on the dangers of “missionary dating.” You can’t count on the hope that your boyfriend will come to know Jesus, and then there’s only heartache, or worse, being “unequally yoked” to a non believer. But this was different. When I met Jeff, my whole world changed. I remember about two weeks into this thing thinking to myself, “I am in
so much trouble…what am I doing?” Jeff and I met at church, and after going out a couple times, I bought him a Bible. He knew about my strong convictions and beliefs, and he was searching for more of God. We read through the book of John together, we’d read and discuss every day, and by the time we finished the book, Jeff told me that He had
found Jesus to be his Savior.

Jeff had already told me about his past, his struggles, and the like..but that was all in the past. A little while into our relationship, he came to see me, and something was wrong. He shared with me how he was struggling. I was broken hearted. I never thought drugs would affect my life…and I knew this was the man I was going to marry. I knew that God was going to have to get us through this.
Anyone who knows me well will tell you that I am fiercely loyal. I thank God for making me that way because the next few months of our lives were hell. There were so many times that I questioned God. Why this, why now, why don’t you just take away this pain and heal him already? What are you doing and why are you letting this happen? We went to Christian counselors, healing services, stayed after every service for prayer…but nothing worked. Jeff told me to leave him, but God told me to stay. We went through literal hell, and I watched the person I loved most in the world suffer unbelievably. It was utterly heart breaking. Until one day. I literally mean one day, when God took the time to speak to my husband and say, “it is finished.” I know people say, well you can’t ever be “over” a drug addiction or “cured” and that’s true…but apparently you can be healed by God. For God to reach down, and miraculously touch the man I love and heal him, it was so amazing. Yes, it took me a little while to believe it, but God has proven to be faithful over and over again. Not only that, but God is a God of Restoration. He is now redeeming those years that the
enemy had taken. My husband is an amazing, redeemed, living every single moment for God man. He is a true story of God’s redemption, and every time I think about how amazing God is to have taken Jeff from where he was to where he is, it just overwhelms my heart with so much love and gratitude. My husband is an amazing man of God, and it blows my mind to see how awesome God is that he has my husband bringing God’s grace and redemption to people who are just as broken as he was…and then I see it. Why God allowed it, why He brought us through it. It was for this. And I’m okay with that, and thankful for it. My husband was rescued so that he could be one of God’s rescuers, and I
think that’s awesome.

But what about me? See, I love to tell my husband’s story because its one of amazing grace and the comeback story you want to hear, but my story? Well, I grew up, loved God, tried to serve him, and lived through some hard stuff that God got me through, but everyone lives through hard stuff that God gets them through. Slowly, my heart was falling away from His love. Somewhere along the way, I had stopped seeing God as my Savior, and started seeing Him as the one who miraculously saved my husband.

Until about 4 years ago…We visited a church for a Good Friday service, and God was really working on my heart. In the weeks leading up to Easter, I was really struggling with some stuff with God. I have been a Christian since I was a child, and have served God since I can remember. I grew up in the church, and have seen a lot of hurt in my life and the lives of the people closest to me. Leading up to Easter, there was a lot of hurt going on in my heart, and I was really unsure of how to get through everything. I was struggling, and to
make things worse, my husband and I were wanting to start a family, and I had just gotten back test results from the doctor that I had abnormal cells, and started to worry whether or not we would be able to have kids. All this stuff going on…sometimes it’s just a little
too much…and if there is one thing I want to be, it’s honest with God. So I told Him, “God, I really don’t think you’re being fair right now. After I have spent my whole life serving You…I can’t handle all that You are having me go through!” It sounds so horrible, and as I was telling Jeff how I felt, I could hear how horrible it sounded out loud, but I felt like God owed me…big time. I mean, look at all the stuff I have done for Him over the years! It’s so sad to think that I felt like that, but I was really at a low point. I remember telling Jeff how lucky I thought he was because God totally saved him…turned his life around…Jeff feels like he owes everything to God. I was kind of jealous that he could feel that way because I recognized that is how i SHOULD have felt…but didn’t. I was angry with God, and frustrated, and hurt that He could be letting all this bad stuff go on in my life. Jeff had signed us up to help out with baptisms at our church on Easter Sunday. I’m supposed to be counseling people who are giving their lives to Christ, and I am sitting there, and I can’t stop God from talking to me. I just knew God was speaking straight to my heart, and He spoke to my heart so clearly, “So where do we go from here?” I was like, “Well, You would know that better than me…my heart is broken, my life is in pieces, I don’t know how I can go anywhere from here…now You might not even let me have kids…this is totally unfair!” and God said SO CLEARLY, “Yeah, but do you still trust Me?” Oh man…it was such a hard conversation to have with God. You know when God just totally calls you on your crap, and makes it so that you have to realize that He is still God? It was one of those. So I
said, “God, I don’t know what you want me to do, but I am not getting baptized.” So He said to me, “You have to make a decision. Right here and right now. It’s not about anybody else but you and Me, and we can’t go forward from this place, until I know where you stand. Will you still trust me? Will you still love Me?” I’m sitting there, my eyes are totally filled with tears, and I am trying to figure out what in the world to do with what God is saying to me. So my heart is just so overwhelmed with God because as I am sitting there, He is totally breaking through all of the hurt, all of the lies, all of the distrust, and is just asking me a simple question: “Will you still trust me if all of this never works out? Will you still love me even if everything seems bad? Will you still serve me even if people
continue to disappoint you?” It came down to a decision God was asking me to make, and I remember saying, “But God, what if I can’t have kids!” and He said to me, “We can’t go forward from here until I know where you stand. Would you still trust Me? Would you still love Me even if you couldn’t have kids?” I realized that I needed to make a decision. I needed to cement in my heart what God was doing…so I went to the door in my baptism counselor t-shirt to tell another baptism counselor that I needed to get baptized. I was the last one….and I wrote out my testimony…I cried through the whole thing, and as I went up there, I just remember thinking, “God this is only about You and Me. No matter what…I will still trust You, I will still love You, and I will still serve You….because of You. Because
of who You are…no matter what happens or doesn’t happen, I’m still going to trust, love and serve You.”

So I went up there, Pastor Bill read my testimony, I squeezed Pastor Mike and Pastor Tim’s hands so hard because I thought I might fall over if I didn’t, and I cried by eyes out…but when I went down into that water and came back up…something was different in my heart. God just started flooding it over with His love and peace…and I just felt so okay….so at peace with God…so appreciative of His love for me, and His grace in my life…it was so great. I believed so sure in my heart that no matter what God did or didn’t change…He was still worthy of my love and my trust and my whole life! It was that peace
that comes from knowing you are making a change with God, and God will never disappoint.

I knew I had followed God…and I knew that no matter what happened, God was in control. 20 days later, I wasn’t feeling so well, took a pregnancy test, and found out that Jeff and I would be expecting our first baby. All I could do was cry when I thought about it, because 20 days before, I was not even sure whether or not we would be able to
have kids. It was totally a God thing. I felt like it was God’s way of showing me that He is completely in control, and that by making that decision to follow after Him no matter what, He would be able to bless me.

Easter is a really special time of year for me because for so long, I looked at God as the one who rescued my husband from hell, and I felt unbelievable gratitude and love for Him for that…but 4 years ago, I finally got it-He didn’t just save my husband, He rescued me too. I
needed rescuing just as desperately…not from drugs or alcohol, but from my own prison of doubt and fear and hurts and disappointments. I needed to know that God didn’t just come to Jeff’s rescue, He came for mine, and on Good Friday when He died to free Jeff from the chains of addiction and sin, He died to save me from my own prison, and my own
chains. See our story isn’t just about God miraculously saving Jeff…he miraculously rescued me too. My heart literally can’t hold in all the goodness and amazing blessings God has given us. We live a life of freedom, where we have the awesome privilege and
responsibility of bringing Jesus’s redemptive love to people who desperately need it. God could not have blessed us more, and I am so thankful. “Your love has set the broken captives free Your love released the chains once binding me, I’m found in grace, In love’s embrace, My heart is overwhelmed. Sings my soul of how Your love has set me free, Sings my heart of how Your mercy rescued me, Hear my cry of endless love, To my Saviour and to my King, My heart is overwhelmed.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rbbtmmUw490

My Heart is Overwhelmed
by Dylan Thomas

Perfect in love
Lord You came to earth
You rescued me
You took my place upon that cross
The stains that held me back were washed away
You made me whole

Your love has set the broken captives free
Your love released the chains once binding me
I’m found in grace
In love’s embrace
My heart is overwhelmed

I stand redeemed
Your Spirit now alive within my heart
I walk with You all of my days
I shall live to glorify You God
Hear my soul rejoice

Your love has set the broken captives free
Your love released the chains once binding me
I’m found in grace
In love’s embrace
My heart is overwhelmed

Sings my soul of how Your love has set me free
Sings my heart of how Your mercy rescued me
Hear my cry of endless love
To my Saviour and to my King
My heart is overwhelmed

One Month In…

Did you ever have the feeling like you have been doing something your whole life that, really, you had only just begun? I feel like this has been a long time coming, both my role with the Relief Bus and this bog post.  Either way, I’m glad to have a chance to reflect on my first month full time in the streets.  I have had too many amazing experiences in the last 4 weeks to share them all, but a couple of themes definitley popped out.

 

1) No Matter What!

We have a battle cry/mantra at the Relief Bus, “These things we do, that others may live!”  That sounds like a catchy slogan, and quite honestly, it is. But it is not for show.  The team that I work with mean that every time they say it, read it or even think it.  We are fotrunate enough to spend our days doing something that very litterally keeps people alive and, God willing, makes those lives better.  During my first conversation with  the president of the organiztion and my first converstaion with the director of outreach they were very clear on this.  “If we get 3 feet of snow, that just means we are coming in earlier to dig out the buses.” They weren’t kdding.  The mission we are called to is acute relief for those in desperate need.  The people we serve are going to be out there regardless of weather conditions, lack of volunteers, bus troubles etc… and it is our misison to reach them no matter what.

2) Justice is a marathon, not a race.

One of the things that first attacted me to serving with the bus is that, due to my addiction history, I really identify with people who are lost and feel like there is no way out.  Please understand, in the same way that you know that if you jump up you will come back down, I knew that if I stopped using I would start again.  It was only after years of attempts that I was finally granted freedom.  God did that for me.  I don’t know why He picked the timing that He did, but I am glad that there were people who never gave up on me.  There are many folks on the street wo, in the same way, know that if they get clean, find a job and/or get a place to live it will only be a matter of time before they end up right back where they started.  This is why, even though we don’t cosign repetitive negative behavior, it is not our job to “fix” the people we serve.  We do what we do because we believe that this is what God would want us to do.  It is because of our faith, not our big ideas.  I have come to understand that my faith rests in my heart, not my mind.  It can’t be quantified or articulated, but it can be qualified and demonstrated.  That is why you teach those you’ve reached; you love the lost.

3) The church is called a “body” for a reason!

Nothing we do can be done outside community.  Every person I “work” with has a special part to play in the mission we are called to.  Now that I am official I have learned that I will be assuming two responsabilities that will me primarily mine to care for.  The first is our Newark outreaches.  My predecessor, a guy by the name of Lance, spent every Friday night for the last two and half years building into communities in Newark.  I have now been given that responsabillity.  I can’t tell you how exciting it is for me to get a chance to give back to a town where I did contributed so heavily to the problem.  It seems like a perfect fit for who I am.  The second task, which I have also inherited from Lance, is a bit more of a surprise to me.  Lance is the guy who was incharge of fixing everything that broke around here and keeping the things that aren’t broken from getting there.  I have never, my whole life, considered myself handy.  That being said, I have learned that with some patience and a willingness to ask for help, there isn’t much that can’t be learned.  I spent the last 9 years in college/graduate school learning from books and lectures, I am excited to spend some time learning with my hands now.  All in all, I am starting to discover who I am and the role I will play in our mission and I couldn’t be happier.

Never alone…

I knew, when I got married, that my life would never be the same. Even more, when Rebecca and I decided to have a child, I knew that things were going to change in a way that I couldn’t expect, even if I tried. I would never again, be alone. I should clarify; yes, we live in a relatively small apartment. In fact, the “office” I am currently writing this in is actually a converted walk in closet. There is no room in our home that does not have at least one (or ten) toys in it, and unless one of us is out with Noah, there is no solitude in our home. I, being a person who needs a little of that, get up extra early in the morning so that I can have some much-needed alone time with God. That, however, is not what I mean when I say I am never alone.

For starters, my wife (the hottie to the right) is my best friend and my partner in everything that I do. There is no decision that I make that does not affect her. For example, if I decide to play thanksgiving football and throw my body under the bus against guys ten years younger than me, she is the one who has to hear me groan every time I bend over, stand up or sit down for days afterward. When I decided to shift my plans and go to seminary instead of physical therapy school it wasn’t until we had discussed it together that it became the new course of action. Being married to a physical therapist is drastically different from being married to a man in ministry because it means that you are in ministry too. So when I considered the notion of joining the team at the Relief Bus the impact that would have on Rebecca was one of the top things I considered. Of course, we had many lengthy discussions about it and spent a lot of time praying about where God was leading us. Ultimately we determined that it was the right move for our family. I am never alone.

I could never have known or understood the awesome privilege and incredible responsability being a father would be until it happened to me. My son wants to be just like me. This is, at the same time, awesome and terrifying. Not only does this mean that he is going to imitate the obvious things, like language and mannerisms. It means that everything I do is subject to potentially influencing who he will become. If I have a long day and come home with a frustrated or defeated attitude I am teaching him to react to hardship that way. If I have a positive attitude, and conduct myself with grattitude and respect, he is equally as likely to follow suit. I can’t explain to you exactly how, but even how I conduct myself when he is not around seems to seep into the mix. I am never alone.

I am clear on the fact that serving on the street is God’s intention for my life. I realize that doing this work is the best use of who God designed me to be, in strengths, weaknesses and experience. All of the years I spent trapped and addicted allow me to connect with people in a genuine way, because I’ve been there. The less than safe places that I would go to do what I did taught me how to behave in a dangerous area. My need to survive in cultures outside my own taught me how to be all things to all people. It’s as if God has been training me for this role my entire life. One of the biggest confirmations of this for me is that when I am on my way home from a day on the street and I am drained physically and emotionally I am never drained spiritually. I am alive in a way that nothing else can produce. Despite all of the difficulties associated with doing this kind of work I need to tell you that I am living in my sweet spot. I wouldn’t take any other job in the world. I live a dream that many can only imagine: I am doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing. But the difficulties don’t just affect me. I am never alone.

When I come home and tell my wife about the guy that came to the spot strapped, got in an argument with another guy but opted not to pull his gun I am not telling her a story about how cool it is that people respect what God is doing through the Relief Bus, I am telling her a story about how her husband could have gotten shot. When I drive back into the city after a day of outreach to bring a guy to a rehab because we couldn’t get him picked up I am not only giving someone a chance that someone gave me, I am leaving my boy at home without his daddy even longer. I am never alone.

When I am weary from fundraising and feeling the weight of having to meet our budget so that I can get out there full-time doing what God called me to do, Rebecca is the one that prays for me. She is the one who affirms God’s call on our life and reminds me that this is His idea anyway. When I have not been able to get someone into a rehab because they didn’t have I.D. and I am feeling like I wasn’t able to help them, Noah comes running up to me begging me to come see what he has done and reminds me that I am his hero. I am never alone.

I cannot imagine doing what I do without Rebecca and Noah. There is something about the way Rebecca looks at me when she sees me as the man God designed me to be that I would not give up for the world. I live with the knowledge that if my son grew up to do what I do, I would be okay with that: priceless. And I put my head on the pillow every night with the peace that only comes from living in God’s will. That is something I never thought I would have. I may be a man who chooses to give up sleep so that I can have some time by myself, but I thank God that I am never alone.

His,

Jeff

Please consider joining our monthly support team so that we can get out on the street full-time serving those who so desperately need it. Click here and designate your pledge “jeffonthestreet”.

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