My Heart Is Overwhelmed…

My husband asked me a few months ago if I would consider writing a guest post on his blog. I agreed half heartedly, thinking I would love to, but not exactly sure what I would say that people actually would want to hear. See, my husband has this awesome redemptive, saved by grace story…he was literally saved by God snatching him out of the
fire, just in time. He has seen it all, done it all, and miraculously, and only by the grace of God, survived it all. All that, and my husband is the best person I know…not just because He loves God with every single part of who he is, but because he genuinely loves people
the way God loves them. He can look at a person homeless on the street because of a serious drug addiction, who has lost everything and everyone because of their actions, and he doesn’t see a person too broken to be healed. He sees them as God does, he sees their heart. He can look them in the eyes, and honestly tell them, “I’ve been there too. God rescued me, and He wants to rescue you.”

What I admire about my husband is that we have kind of opposite back stories. While he got involved in drugs and alcohol in his teens, I spent my time in youth group, and from a very young age, I loved God. My parents spent their lives in full time ministry, which meant we did too. They used to tell me the story of when I was a toddler, I was burned pretty bad and had to be rushed to the hospital. While the doctors and nurses were working on me, I was singing “Jesus loves me” and talking about Jesus. I don’t remember a time when I didn’t love Jesus or strive to follow Him and serve Him.

What many people don’t know, is that Jeff and I started dating before he found God-okay, before God found him. Jeff knew God as his higher power, but not as Jesus his Savior. I, having grown up in a Christian home and a small church, had been given the speech 17 too many times on the dangers of “missionary dating.” You can’t count on the hope that your boyfriend will come to know Jesus, and then there’s only heartache, or worse, being “unequally yoked” to a non believer. But this was different. When I met Jeff, my whole world changed. I remember about two weeks into this thing thinking to myself, “I am in
so much trouble…what am I doing?” Jeff and I met at church, and after going out a couple times, I bought him a Bible. He knew about my strong convictions and beliefs, and he was searching for more of God. We read through the book of John together, we’d read and discuss every day, and by the time we finished the book, Jeff told me that He had
found Jesus to be his Savior.

Jeff had already told me about his past, his struggles, and the like..but that was all in the past. A little while into our relationship, he came to see me, and something was wrong. He shared with me how he was struggling. I was broken hearted. I never thought drugs would affect my life…and I knew this was the man I was going to marry. I knew that God was going to have to get us through this.
Anyone who knows me well will tell you that I am fiercely loyal. I thank God for making me that way because the next few months of our lives were hell. There were so many times that I questioned God. Why this, why now, why don’t you just take away this pain and heal him already? What are you doing and why are you letting this happen? We went to Christian counselors, healing services, stayed after every service for prayer…but nothing worked. Jeff told me to leave him, but God told me to stay. We went through literal hell, and I watched the person I loved most in the world suffer unbelievably. It was utterly heart breaking. Until one day. I literally mean one day, when God took the time to speak to my husband and say, “it is finished.” I know people say, well you can’t ever be “over” a drug addiction or “cured” and that’s true…but apparently you can be healed by God. For God to reach down, and miraculously touch the man I love and heal him, it was so amazing. Yes, it took me a little while to believe it, but God has proven to be faithful over and over again. Not only that, but God is a God of Restoration. He is now redeeming those years that the
enemy had taken. My husband is an amazing, redeemed, living every single moment for God man. He is a true story of God’s redemption, and every time I think about how amazing God is to have taken Jeff from where he was to where he is, it just overwhelms my heart with so much love and gratitude. My husband is an amazing man of God, and it blows my mind to see how awesome God is that he has my husband bringing God’s grace and redemption to people who are just as broken as he was…and then I see it. Why God allowed it, why He brought us through it. It was for this. And I’m okay with that, and thankful for it. My husband was rescued so that he could be one of God’s rescuers, and I
think that’s awesome.

But what about me? See, I love to tell my husband’s story because its one of amazing grace and the comeback story you want to hear, but my story? Well, I grew up, loved God, tried to serve him, and lived through some hard stuff that God got me through, but everyone lives through hard stuff that God gets them through. Slowly, my heart was falling away from His love. Somewhere along the way, I had stopped seeing God as my Savior, and started seeing Him as the one who miraculously saved my husband.

Until about 4 years ago…We visited a church for a Good Friday service, and God was really working on my heart. In the weeks leading up to Easter, I was really struggling with some stuff with God. I have been a Christian since I was a child, and have served God since I can remember. I grew up in the church, and have seen a lot of hurt in my life and the lives of the people closest to me. Leading up to Easter, there was a lot of hurt going on in my heart, and I was really unsure of how to get through everything. I was struggling, and to
make things worse, my husband and I were wanting to start a family, and I had just gotten back test results from the doctor that I had abnormal cells, and started to worry whether or not we would be able to have kids. All this stuff going on…sometimes it’s just a little
too much…and if there is one thing I want to be, it’s honest with God. So I told Him, “God, I really don’t think you’re being fair right now. After I have spent my whole life serving You…I can’t handle all that You are having me go through!” It sounds so horrible, and as I was telling Jeff how I felt, I could hear how horrible it sounded out loud, but I felt like God owed me…big time. I mean, look at all the stuff I have done for Him over the years! It’s so sad to think that I felt like that, but I was really at a low point. I remember telling Jeff how lucky I thought he was because God totally saved him…turned his life around…Jeff feels like he owes everything to God. I was kind of jealous that he could feel that way because I recognized that is how i SHOULD have felt…but didn’t. I was angry with God, and frustrated, and hurt that He could be letting all this bad stuff go on in my life. Jeff had signed us up to help out with baptisms at our church on Easter Sunday. I’m supposed to be counseling people who are giving their lives to Christ, and I am sitting there, and I can’t stop God from talking to me. I just knew God was speaking straight to my heart, and He spoke to my heart so clearly, “So where do we go from here?” I was like, “Well, You would know that better than me…my heart is broken, my life is in pieces, I don’t know how I can go anywhere from here…now You might not even let me have kids…this is totally unfair!” and God said SO CLEARLY, “Yeah, but do you still trust Me?” Oh man…it was such a hard conversation to have with God. You know when God just totally calls you on your crap, and makes it so that you have to realize that He is still God? It was one of those. So I
said, “God, I don’t know what you want me to do, but I am not getting baptized.” So He said to me, “You have to make a decision. Right here and right now. It’s not about anybody else but you and Me, and we can’t go forward from this place, until I know where you stand. Will you still trust me? Will you still love Me?” I’m sitting there, my eyes are totally filled with tears, and I am trying to figure out what in the world to do with what God is saying to me. So my heart is just so overwhelmed with God because as I am sitting there, He is totally breaking through all of the hurt, all of the lies, all of the distrust, and is just asking me a simple question: “Will you still trust me if all of this never works out? Will you still love me even if everything seems bad? Will you still serve me even if people
continue to disappoint you?” It came down to a decision God was asking me to make, and I remember saying, “But God, what if I can’t have kids!” and He said to me, “We can’t go forward from here until I know where you stand. Would you still trust Me? Would you still love Me even if you couldn’t have kids?” I realized that I needed to make a decision. I needed to cement in my heart what God was doing…so I went to the door in my baptism counselor t-shirt to tell another baptism counselor that I needed to get baptized. I was the last one….and I wrote out my testimony…I cried through the whole thing, and as I went up there, I just remember thinking, “God this is only about You and Me. No matter what…I will still trust You, I will still love You, and I will still serve You….because of You. Because
of who You are…no matter what happens or doesn’t happen, I’m still going to trust, love and serve You.”

So I went up there, Pastor Bill read my testimony, I squeezed Pastor Mike and Pastor Tim’s hands so hard because I thought I might fall over if I didn’t, and I cried by eyes out…but when I went down into that water and came back up…something was different in my heart. God just started flooding it over with His love and peace…and I just felt so okay….so at peace with God…so appreciative of His love for me, and His grace in my life…it was so great. I believed so sure in my heart that no matter what God did or didn’t change…He was still worthy of my love and my trust and my whole life! It was that peace
that comes from knowing you are making a change with God, and God will never disappoint.

I knew I had followed God…and I knew that no matter what happened, God was in control. 20 days later, I wasn’t feeling so well, took a pregnancy test, and found out that Jeff and I would be expecting our first baby. All I could do was cry when I thought about it, because 20 days before, I was not even sure whether or not we would be able to
have kids. It was totally a God thing. I felt like it was God’s way of showing me that He is completely in control, and that by making that decision to follow after Him no matter what, He would be able to bless me.

Easter is a really special time of year for me because for so long, I looked at God as the one who rescued my husband from hell, and I felt unbelievable gratitude and love for Him for that…but 4 years ago, I finally got it-He didn’t just save my husband, He rescued me too. I
needed rescuing just as desperately…not from drugs or alcohol, but from my own prison of doubt and fear and hurts and disappointments. I needed to know that God didn’t just come to Jeff’s rescue, He came for mine, and on Good Friday when He died to free Jeff from the chains of addiction and sin, He died to save me from my own prison, and my own
chains. See our story isn’t just about God miraculously saving Jeff…he miraculously rescued me too. My heart literally can’t hold in all the goodness and amazing blessings God has given us. We live a life of freedom, where we have the awesome privilege and
responsibility of bringing Jesus’s redemptive love to people who desperately need it. God could not have blessed us more, and I am so thankful. “Your love has set the broken captives free Your love released the chains once binding me, I’m found in grace, In love’s embrace, My heart is overwhelmed. Sings my soul of how Your love has set me free, Sings my heart of how Your mercy rescued me, Hear my cry of endless love, To my Saviour and to my King, My heart is overwhelmed.”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rbbtmmUw490

My Heart is Overwhelmed
by Dylan Thomas

Perfect in love
Lord You came to earth
You rescued me
You took my place upon that cross
The stains that held me back were washed away
You made me whole

Your love has set the broken captives free
Your love released the chains once binding me
I’m found in grace
In love’s embrace
My heart is overwhelmed

I stand redeemed
Your Spirit now alive within my heart
I walk with You all of my days
I shall live to glorify You God
Hear my soul rejoice

Your love has set the broken captives free
Your love released the chains once binding me
I’m found in grace
In love’s embrace
My heart is overwhelmed

Sings my soul of how Your love has set me free
Sings my heart of how Your mercy rescued me
Hear my cry of endless love
To my Saviour and to my King
My heart is overwhelmed